If Tony Abbott had done his job.

Tony Abbott investigates the detrimental effects of climate change and breathes new life into the fight against its destructive force.

My fellow Australians, it pains me to inform you that a great danger is threatening our population. This catastrophic phenomenon has already impacted 2.1 billion people in the last decade and has caused much distress and emotional hardship to many of our comrades. This treacherous occurrence is, of course, human-induced climate change.

As many of you are no doubt aware, I have always been sceptical of this notion, however, the overwhelming evidence presented to me by 97% of the scientific community has brought me to my senses. Climate change is real. The numerous acts of clearing and disfiguring of the natural landscape that humans have achieved over our time on this planet is affecting the functions of the earth as we know it. This threat has got to be stopped.

The effects of this devastating global issue are already being seen on our land. Extreme weather events are being seen more frequently, our Barrier Reef is in decline and temperatures are getting hotter. Residents of Rockhampton have to agree with that. Fortunately, just over 80% of our national population are also firm believers in the real and present danger of climate change. As I am a man of the people and believe that the people are the suppository of all wisdom, I know that you will all back me in my decision to act on our precarious situation.

To combat this big issue, major lifestyle and personal changes need to be made by the global population. This could be difficult and take time, but I will do everything in my power to make the transition easier for us. We need to be the first to take action. Thus, I offer this modest proposal: all Australians will move underground to end the threats and dangers of climate change.

While many may be initially opposed to this logical course of action, it will become clear that a wide range of great benefits can be derived from this solution. These include many short-term and long-term benefits to the country and its people.

Governments around the world have been consulting and deliberating climate change action for the last 40 years. In this time, scientists have found more and more physical evidence of climate change. This includes the rising of ocean levels, a rise in average global temperatures and more extreme weather conditions. The underground move will eliminate all these threats. As sighted on NASA’s climate change website, sea levels are set to rise up to 2m by 2100. These rising sea levels will be irrelevant to our underground civilisation as the ocean will be unable to reach us. Coastal cities will no longer live in fear. Similarly, extreme weather conditions including floods and cyclones will be powerless against us in our new subterranean community. Additionally, the underground temperatures are, on average, 2.7 degrees cooler than surface temperatures, according to ILoveGeology.com. Australian residents will no longer have to deal with the sweltering summers that our nation is renowned for.

Another long term and economic benefit of this move is the continuation of our booming fossil fuel industry. As we will be immune to the effects of climate change whilst underground, we won’t have to face the consequences of our actions. On top of this, an abundance of untapped resources will become available to us when we are located closer to the iron ore and oil stores in the earth. A high profit can be gained from the trading and selling of these resources to other countries. China will pop a gasket. The power gained from the burning of these extra fossil fuels will create enough energy to power our new homes. If these stores begin to run low, our new location allows to dig further than ever before to reach even deeper stores for our consumption.

In addition, the simple move of our greater population to underground levels will be inexplicably easier than upholding the unrealistic promises we made at the Paris Conference in 2015. According to TheCarbonCouncilor.gov, the target of a less than 2 degree rise in global temperatures would mean a 90% reduction in carbon emission across Australia. That kind of commitment is wildly unreasonable and could not be done. Not to mention the hole it would put in our stable economy. Moving will be a cheaper and more manageable choice to help our country live better without too much upheaval.

As an added bonus, refugee boats will no longer threaten our homes and jobs as we will not have any coastal cities or communities for them to invade. It’s a win-win situation. Future Australian generations will be free from the threats, consequences and effects of climate change. To ensure the integrity and longevity of our great country, what better solution is there to the issue of climate change?

Your favourite Prime Minister,

Tony Abbott.

#Politics #Society #Environment